ASKING FOR HELP IS A STRENGTH

Written by Hayley Bilski for the Daily Wellness online Mental Health publication. To subscribe to Daily Wellness, please go to wwwthedailywellness.com

Today’s Expert: Hayley Bilski (Accredited Mental Health Social Worker)

In a recent poll, a majority of you responded that what makes asking for support feel hardest is feeling like you should handle everything alone—believing you're supposed to be self-sufficient and that needing help means you're failing.

This week, we've invited an expert to explore why reaching out can feel so uncomfortable and how to overcome the deep-seated belief that asking for help makes you a burden.

The Question: “I know deep down that I need support, but when I even think about asking for help, I feel so uncomfortable, like I am being a burden, or admitting I have failed. How can I overcome these feelings when I really need other people’s care in my life?”

Have you ever really wanted some support with everyday life, or had a pressing question to ask, and yet felt a lump in your throat just thinking about asking for help? For many, the idea of reaching out feels like crossing a line from being strong to becoming weak, from being capable to becoming needy.

The truth is, these are all learned thoughts that have become very comfortable in our minds. The struggle to ask for support is not a personal failure; it is an opportunity to reflect on deep-set patterns that deserve compassion, not judgment.

From a young age, many of us are taught that fierce independence, being strong, and not being a burden are healthy approaches to handling life. These messages become etched into our nervous systems through some family members, friends, education systems, social media, and general societal beliefs.

Even if we grew up in healthy, supportive environments, society often teaches us that asking for help could be seen as a weakness. In particular, if we grew up in environments where emotional needs were met with silence, shame, or being misunderstood, these ingrained thought patterns would be intensified.

When considering family dynamics and the roles we may have played growing up, some of us became the caregivers, the fixers, the emotional anchors in our families and communities.

We learned to anticipate others' needs while burying our own. Over time, this role becomes an identity. To ask for help feels like betraying that identity, like unravelling the very thing that made us feel valuable.

Shame builds into fearing vulnerability, and we worry that others will think we are too messy, that our problems are too big for them, and that those we care about will walk away. If we see others as more competent, we may feel ashamed of our own struggles and avoid seeking help to preserve pride.

The interesting paradox with this train of thought is that humans are wired for connection. When we observe well-balanced communities in humans and nature, our minds, bodies, spirits, and thoughts are built to co-regulate with others. Support is actually not an indulgence; it is a biological necessity. When we suppress that need, we don't become stronger. We become isolated, anxious, bitter, burnt out, and exhausted.

Vulnerability is the opposite of weakness. It is the foundation of connection, empathy, and healing. So, can we reframe what real strength looks like?

Real strength is about building trusting relationships with ourselves and with others. Real strength is about inner resilience. And resilience is built through changing our own inner narrative and forming secure relationships with others, building courage, and taking small chances. Imagine if we measured strength not by how much we endure alone, but by how bravely we reach out.

Starting with small steps will always lead to more long-term success. Here are some ideas on where to begin:

• Find some quiet time to consider what your needs and struggles are. "I'm feeling overwhelmed and I need someone to talk to about this specific challenge".

• Start small with someone safe. You don't have to tell everything to everyone. Start with one person who has shown empathy before. Start with a small ask, question, or need for advice.

• Be specific. Instead of "I need help," try "Can you check in with me this week?" or "Would you mind helping me with this task?"

• Practice receiving. When someone offers support, accept it, even when it feels uncomfortable.

• Challenge your inner critic. When shame arises, ask: "Is it true? Am I being kind to myself? If someone I care about asked this of me, what would I say?". You can also check in with yourself by asking, "Where do these internal fears stem from? And how can I break the cycle and change the story?".

• Remind yourself that if you have always been the helper, you deserve reciprocity. Playing the role of the helper does not mean you may never receive care. The roles we played in childhood were survival strategies, which we most likely do not need anymore. You are allowed to change the narrative. In fact, when we do ask for help, others learn that this is a normal part of our identity.

• Choose people in your life who are aligned with your own values. If you are rejected, consider the people in your life and where to invest your energies.

• Understanding the importance of self-care. Maintaining well-being does not mean you are being selfish. It means that you are deserving of being well. When we ask for and receive support, we are nourishing ourselves.

• Balance giving and receiving. You deserve support just as much as you offer it.

Journaling, drawing, writing poetry, sitting or walking in nature, meditating, and talking with a therapist are some ways to reflect on changing these inner voices and encouraging yourself to connect, to be vulnerable, and to ask for support.

Rating your experiences of asking for help, looking at how afraid you were, how big the ask was, and how positive the outcome was, can also help in exposing yourself more and more to reaching out.

Practice asking without needing to apologise or overexplain. This may feel uncomfortable, but it will encourage you to build on your self-worth when asking for support. Although this is hard, asking in person is often better than through messages, as your tone and authenticity will come through more face-to-face.

When anxiety arises, consider deep breathing, mantras such as "It is okay for me to ask for help", and grounding exercises. Acknowledge your courage and ability to change your old habits.

Treating yourself with the same kindness as you would treat others is the greatest form of self-care. Everyone we know, at some points in their lives, will struggle with something. This is an innate part of the human experience.

By reaching out to others, we are deepening relationships, building courage, resilience, confidence, connection, and role modelling, living in a world where we help each other out. What could be better than practising and recognising shared humanity?

Hayley Bilski is the founder of Mindspace Therapy Practice in Sydney, Australia, working in person and online with Nature Focused, Compassion-Based, Acceptance and Commitment, and Cognitive Behavioural therapeutic approaches. She has been a social worker for over 20 years and is passionate about guiding people towards being the best version of themselves and working through challenges with greater self-compassion.